“No” is Positive
Have you ever paid attention to how you react when you are told, “No”?
> Does a part of your body tense?
>> Do you feel a burst of adrenaline in your chest?
>>> Does your mind spin through all the reasons to justify a “Yes!” instead?
I hope my intention in processing my no’s with my children, and allowing them the autonomy to accept their no’s as a hard “no” with me, instills them with a positive formation about the authority of “no.”
When I reflected on my own reaction, I realized I’d internalized a belief that “no” was negative.
Growing up, children didn’t dare say “no” to parents (and so adults and authority figures in general). A “no” from a child was received as a thread, and the authorities responded with a mentality akin to, We will not negotiate with terrorists.
I imagine most of my lower-to-middle class, early `80’s peers had similar experiences.
Something I’ve embraced for the first time this past year, and am now actively integrating (albeit late) in the entirety of my life is,
“No” is positive.
What “no” does is provide the giver and the receiver with a concise and clear limitation.
A boundary.
“No” establishes the parameters for any given context.
When “no” is considered from this perspective, it can be shared, observed and received as kindness.
“No” is positive.
Using “no” creates a framework for the way you expect someone to engage with you. Unclear expectations are always unmet expectations. And too often, unclear expectations are abused.
“No” provides the user with a safe space, and the receiver with a clear guideline for appropriate interaction.
While “no” may not stop abuse, it has potential to prevent it, and it will indisputably define it.
“No” is positive.
Clarity is kindness.
It’s kind to be clear with yourself. It’s kind to be clear with others.
Clarity is kindness.
“No” is a simple, distinct resolution that does not require explanation.
> You have a right to your autonomy.
>> You have a right to define your safe space.
>>> You have a right to change your mind.
You have a right to stop at “no.”
Your “no” is enough.
Your “no” is positive.
I hope how I engage with our spawn reinforces this. I hope they don’t need to read something like this when they’re older, because for them it will be second-nature…
I hope this encourages you. I hope you’re empowered to actively share your “no.” I hope you re-read this if ever you need to. I hope you choose to behave like you believe your “no” is positive, or at least repeat the mantra until you can…
As I move forward, taking deep breaths to gift myself the time and intention to observe how my body’s reaction to “no” (hopefully) changes, I know I’ll be re-reading this myself…
Here’s to health and growth, and whatever change that requires.