Fortitude of Forty

This year has been a lot.

Like, a LOT a lot.

Like an entire decade shoved into a year.

The closer I get to 41, the more I believe there’s solid reasoning to why “40” is the banner year for mid-life crisis.

According to Jewish tradition, the meaning associated with the number 40 is testing (Israel spent 40 years in the wilderness; Jesus spent 40 days in the wilderness), and judgement (the Earth was under God’s judgement for 40 days in the Flood; Moses spent 40 days fasting before he received the Law or standard for the “righteous judgement” of God; the Judge, Deborah, brought peace to the land for 40 years). (Paraphrased, reference cited*)

It’s the meaning of 40 — testing, judgement — that’s significant.

Year 40 is the marker for middle life.

If you’re a human, your average life expectancy at this point is around 80 years.

There’s a tense awe to holding that knowledge while being half-way there…

And there’s weights to balance in this suspended state.

“Judgement” is a fitting definition. Part of this weight is judgement.

Not external judgement.

The judgement is internal. It’s reflection.

> What have I done?…

>> What will I leave?…

>>> How will I be remembered?…

Inner-turmoil over identity, purpose, decisions, morality — heck, even the physical chemicals inside our bodies are recalibrating!

Seriously, it’s like puberty all over again. Sans the hyper-sex drive. And this time, the peer-pressure and the bullies are all in your own head.

There’s no escape.

You have to confront it. And all that stuff churning in the psyche can become the proper ingredients for internal-implosion.

But there are external weights, too.

The external is testing. It’s relentless.

(I’m going to try to explain this by providing an analogy from an experience.)

For my 40th birthday my family and I were on vacation, and I was the first to wake up. We were at a rental quite literally on the Gulf Shore of Alabama, and I went onto the balcony in my pajamas because right there before me, early and alone, a beautiful rainbow stretched across the ocean, brightly greeting me.

What an incredible start to my birthday! 🌈

Me in my pjs beholding the colorful reminder of God’s promises.

And whilst beholding, I got slammed by pouring rain. I had no concept for it because I was simply, happily raptured in the beauty. I was soaked in seconds.

Caught up in the charm of the moment, it didn’t compute —

The beauty I was beholding was a result of the downpour.

So far, my birthday morning has proven to be the reality of this year. I dared to breathe and behold God’s promise, only to be pelted by a downpour of missiles, one after another.

I won’t get into the manifestation of how I’ve experienced each external weight. Many of them I’m still wading through, and most are well outside my ability to influence. But from observation and my own experience, there’s just something about 40 that causes family, relationships, careers, finances, and apparently the world to turn into chaos.

And the onslaught of life’s sudden mayhem is itself enough to be catastrophic.

And I’m not quite sure if the external tests have caused the internal judgements, or if the internal judgements have caused the external tests. But one thing I do know, without any doubt,

The internal and external weights are connected, vying and even coordinating with each other.

There’s a tense teetering.

So here’s my take…

I’m praying for the endurance to stand in the pouring rain (externally and internally).

It’s in the rain that the rainbow is born.

I’m praying to refocus my vision back on the rainbow. In the midst of being pelted by every judgement and every test, that I would be remember,

It’s all just a splash of water, and each drop is itself a prism revealing the rainbow.

I need to see that rainbow and every crisis-causing drop that comprises it, as its intention:

A promise.

And my purpose is to pursue that — the promise.

Because (at least for right now) through the missiles of crisis, if I just keep standing, I can glimpse God’s light shining brighter and bolder than ever before.

So I’m going to keep standing in the weight of this rain. Because for however long I have left, I want to be like that rainbow. I want to live a life that gives hope to someone else.

I hope you stand in your rain, too. And I hope, while standing, you shine.

To health and growth, and whatever change that requires.

* Israel Bible Weekly, “Jewish Time: The Meaning of “Forty”,” by Dr. Nicholas J. Schaser